The HP's 2012 Concession Speech - and Message of Things To Come

My Fellow Americans – It has this day been shown that the American Peoples, when they are faced with a tough decision will make tough choices. And we have with that greatest of privileges been allowed to cast our singular voices in a chorus of unity in electing for the next 4 years a president by ballot. Like 2000 this one seems to shaping up to be a good old fashioned fucking over of the people one way or the other. It was an honor to be considered by many of you for your choice of Supreme Overlor—umm. President and I deeply moved by the support of those whose ballots were cast with hope for a less oppressive Iron fist of rule that I would have implemented. It is with the realization that maybe our campaign got started too late and was way underfunded, that I must now take the mantle of responsibility from my own shoulders and transforms it into the blanket of blame and try and find someone to pin this loss upon. Had I had a campaign manager, I would here and now publicly embarrass the shit out of him or her, and make their name a name associated with the futile efforts of poorly conducted campaigning. As it is I have no such person, and the idea of such failure being of my own doing be exponentially impossible, we will look elsewhere. I hereby offer my concession of defeat, issued with prejudice; I do intend to ask for a recount in the key battle ground states of Ohio and Arizona, where despite all statements that I did not receive votes there I know for a fact that someone somewhere had to have been touched by our message of hope and patriotism. Do not cry for me Augusta – I know the redneck populist vote of Georgia rang strong with The HP, and that you too deserve to have a voice in this election. From the flooded streets of Manhattan to the empty seats at Duke University Football games; from the sweaty backrooms in Vegas where cheaters get fingers cut off to the long lines of stoners buying “medical weed” in Portland; from the Animal Hospital in Little China to the Egg Roll shop next Door ran by the son of the vet – The HP has heard you – and wants to give you one more opportunity to show your adoration and elect The HP Supreme Overlo – err.. President. That is why today I am announcing not only my 2016 Presidential Bid, but I am also here to inform you of the creation of my own political party – The Panties Provide Prosperity Party – or the PPPP for short. SOme politicians like to tease and promise that they will "Show you the way" without oulining thier plans. So Here, on the Election night of my grave defeat, I will go ahead and tell you the first step in our 2016 Economic Recovery and Stimulus Act - The Panties Providing Prosperity. All American wear underwear - whether you call them skivvies, panties, drawers, unmentionables - whatever. Our road to recovery is more. We waste valuable resources like water and electricity when we wash these items. Stage one - each person needs to own a minimum of 63 pairs of drawers. Now this helps the economy in several ways. 1) Merchants will sell more skivvies. 2) Cotton farmers will have to increase cotton growth, and the textile industry will have to open up some of the closed factories to meet the demand. 3) Maybe you do not want cotton - I know the lady voters like silk and satin. But these non natural products are harmful in production, so to limit the impact of their manufacture, women will only be allowed to wear thongs. There will however be a 10 pair of Granny Panty allowance for those unflattering times when a pair of butt flossers would not be optimal. So - Washing limited to once every two months - we have an immediate Environmental impact - we have folks buying products - economic stimulus... We have farmers and textiles increased - economic stimulus... We have a thong mandate - that is another tyoe of stimulus, but hey, we need that , too.. In coming months I will inform you of more tenets of our party and how you can help. In the meantime congratulations to the Winner of 2012 – and enjoy the next 4 years – because I will be taking your spot in 2016.


  1. This was what the Underpants Gnomes on Southpark were missing. In such a Dictatorsh... um... Presidency, underpants will be as good as currency.

    The completed business plan is clear now:

    1. Collect Underpants
    2. ***Elect HP***
    3. Profit


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