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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The HP's Rules of Life, VOL I

My dad has a list of "rules of life" and they are pretty damn spot on. I do not know weather he wrote them, or found them, or someone told them to him - whatever - but they are his rules, so I will not relay them here.

However, I decided that I am going to start my own elastic, mailable project of creating some Rules of life. Here is a starting list, in rough draft.

1) Most anything you do is more fun if you do it naked. Except run a chain saw, cook bacon, or play slap fight with a cat. Or anything involving chickens. It may be more fun, but people will talk.

2) If you drink alcohol, never drink when angry. Drink when you can enjoy your libation - drinking angry just makes you drunk, and that's kinda pointless.

3) If you travel out of town for work, always pack an extra day's clothes, and two extra days underwear, and three extra days socks. You may have to stay later, you might eat some stomach distressingly rancid Mexican food, and sometimes a fresh pair of socks will often change your whole day.

4) Never , under any circumstances, tell someone that they have bad breath. They will never forget it. Rather, feign a cold and ask them to keep a distance, so you do not get them sick. And then suggest you go eat something spicy and garlicky - then you're both stinky mouths.

5) If you ever get the chance to ride in any of the following, you have to, or you will regret it forever : An Italian sports car, a helicopter, a hot air balloon, and / or Eddie Murphy's limo. Ok, you can skip Eddie Murphy's limo - that might be kind of sad, having to listen to him cry about having to make shitty family comedies as penance for that whole transvestite hooker thing.

6) Hugh Hefner is actually one smooth daddy o. This is not a rule, just an observation.

7) It is ok to try and educate someone who is ignorant, but impossible to help someone who is indignant. Wisdom is knowing the difference when dealing with folks on the fly.

8) Being a friend is harder than being a family. Yet folks say blood is thicker than water. I think that's bullshit - you cannot help being related to someone. You can choose who you identify with. And siding with someone who is family when you disagree with them against someone you identify and agree with just because blood id thicker than water is just fucking stupid.

9) Never ever say no to trying a new food. Not some kind of gross " I dare you to eat this" dare, but if someone , somewhere in the world eats it as a meal or snack. then you should try it if offered.

10) You always need a pet - a cat, a dog, a chicken, a fish - hell, a stuffed teddy bear even. You just need something to take care of, that loves you just for being there, and does not talk back. It's god-like in a simplistic form.

1 comment:

  1. Pretty spot on, especially number two. I have lived by that one for a long time.

    ReplyDelete