The Hillbilly Philosopher has been impressed with all of those who have managed to post what they are “thankful” for this month as they reflect upon the Thanksgiving Holiday. So he decided with his usual smarminess and a little profanity to make a list of shit he is NOT thankful for, and see where it lands.
1) I am not thankful for mosquitoes or fire ants. I am thankful that they do not seem to irritate and bite me like they do other people, but the little bastards themselves – nope, not thankful at all for them.
2) I am not thankful for yogurt. No person should ever have to be even close to a supposed food that smells like a baby just spit up breast milk in it. Yogurt is fucking nasty.
3) I am not thankful Mello Yello. It is a far inferior version of that sweet nectar of the gods, Mountain Dew. They cost the same in almost all markets and formats – why cheapen yourself with Mello Yello when you can get the real thing?
4) I am not thankful for non-alcoholic beer. Do I like beer? Certainly? I LOVE the taste of beer – but I cannot drink non alcoholic beer at work or while driving for the taste and it is expensive and of no real use to drink in a social setting.
5) I am no thankful for myspace. I hated it, and think it sucks.
6) I am not thankful for flat pillows, musty sleeping bags or dirty underwear.
7) I am not thankful for national personalities becoming instant favorites of folks because of recent happenings in our area. Go to Youtube and check out Nancy Grace’s major “story” on the Duke Lacrosse player scandal. She makes her best effort to scandalize the players and her staff rails against their wealth, when the facts later revealed that they were innocent. The DA went to jail. The supposed victim barely escaped prosecution for false testimony. She ( Grace) peddles in other peoples misery, and passes it off as information. It is sadly entertainment by sorrow, and she is paid well for it. I am not thankful for her at all.
8) I am not thankful for any singer, song or production that comes from, came from, or will come from American Idol. I’m just glad that some of the greatest musicians of the last 50 years are dead, so they do not have to see the way some of their most precious songs are mangled by glorified karaoke singers.
9) I am not thankful for any of the JAWS movies. They all sucked.
10) I am not thankful for way that we still treat members of our society as second class, even though we are supposed to be a nation of freedoms, equality and compassion.
11) I am not thankful for the automatic assumption that one has to believe in every tenant of a political party if they claim to identify with it. Most folks do not – they just align with the party they can agree the most with.
12) I am not thankful for the continued criminalization of naturally growing plants and their illegal status. I can understand making any plant or product that requires refining, processing or chemical alteration, but not a plant that can be simply grown, cured and consumed.
13) I am not thankful for pulling up at drive thru windows. Just make my damn food and give it to me.
14) I am not thankful for fake cheese, or sandwich cheese. This is plastic in a malleable form. Disgusting, almost as bad as yogurt.
15) I am not thankful for insurance companies that raised my rates for two years while posting the largest reserves in their company histories, and then losing their nontax status temporarily for having too much money. Assholes.