What Happened to Preperations A thru G ? Original to Facebook 1/31/2010

It's still icy out.

I am bored shitless, and just a little beer buzzed.

Grab something to snack on, tis shit might get long or weird...

* I think that the saying " The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" is stupid. The way in through his chest, behind his ribs, and more to the center than most folks realize.

* I always wanted to be on WHEEL OF FORTUNE, wearing a disguise, and asking for strange letters, and maybe a number ot two. And trying to solve the puzzle with dirty limericks.

* Beer in a bottle tastes better than beer in a can. Any beer tastes better in a solo cup. Better than a solo cup in a glass mug. A glass mug that has been frosted tastes better than one that has not. A frosted glass mug drank in the presence of friends tastes even better. If there is a sporting event on the television, and yo have a frosty mug of beer, it tastes better than anything I have mentioned so far. Now, I have never once been to a strip club ( true ), but I can imagine that a frosty mug of beer brought to you by a topless waitress named Kandi, while you watch a sporting event is probably the best damn beer on the list yet. But I think the best beer in the world, the top of the beer hierarchy, would be the frosty mug of beer poured from a bottle brought to you by a topless waitress at the Superbowl, right after you find out you just won 1 Million dollars. But the one I'm drinking RIGHT NOW is pretty fucking good, too...

* The best thing about being an adult is getting to act like a kid and no one tells you to stop, for fear of sounding like an adult.

* Sometimes the best thing about meeting someone new is walking away knowing that you managed to go your entire life without ever before having to have met that asshole.

* I like "shrimp sauce" at seafood restaurants. I like "shrimp sauce" at Japanese restaurants. They are not the same.

* I wish I could play the saxophone, but do not wish to take the time to learn.

* I think it would be awesome if you got to take a month's vacation every th year - like on your "5" birthdays - 25, 30, 35, etc - and you got full pay, as long as you spent 1/2 of your vacation volunteering to help jobless people find jobs. Oh, the irony...

*12 OZ Cans = Mt Dew - 180 Calories, and full of caffeine. Average Light Beer - 104 Calories, No Caffeine. I am thinking of publishing the BEER DIET Book. I'll be a fucking millionaire....

* I want to go to New York and eat, but not a single thing that is cooked, or sold , inside a building. Only carts, tents and open air markets.

* I sucked at playing T Ball as a kid, but bet I could make the All Star team now.

* "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to se such sport, and the dish ran away with the spoon" What the fuck is that about?

* Wouldn't it be funny if NASCAR decided to show everyone that they are feeling the pain like the fans, and instead of racing million dollar cars showed up with a bunch of hooptie-mobiles? I bet the races would be closer, the action better, and the fans would love it. I'd love to see the Tide detergent 1982 Chevrolet Monte Carlo racing the Country Time Lemonade 1977 Ford LTD...

* I would laugh my ass off if President came out to the Rose Garden for a speech, and simply said " This shit is whack. It's all fucked up. I quit."

* I think it would be fun to put on a chef's apron and hat, and go to the Animal Shelter with a knife and a Chinese takeout menu. Instead of a breed, I'd ask for " something about 7 pounds, on the hoof.."

* You know who a smooth talker was? The guy who invented the thong, and actually talked a woman into wearing it. Wow.

* I cannot stand the smell, taste, or even the sight of Mad Dog 20/20 Pure Concord Grape wine. Really. No joke here. Just a bit of trivia.

* How funny would it be to have Bob Dylan as a guest judge on American Idol, and hear him tell someone that " Your singing has passion, but your voice is awful." ?

* Ever notice that the same day, the very same day, you put on on older pair of jeans and say " Man, these things are broken in JUST PERFECT - is the same day you either rip them, spill paint on them, or kill a hobo and have to burn them so that the CSI team cannot tie the crime back to you? I hate when that shit happens...

* Lite Beer, Light Cigarettes, Lite Mayonnaise. Lite Salad Dressing, Lite blah-de-blah-de-blah. Just call it DIET. OR, call it regular, and the other stuff MORE (FAT or NICOTINE or MONKEY SHIT, whatever )THAN NEEDED TO MAKE THIS PRODUCT.

* Ever wanted to walk up to a complete stranger an slap them? I do a lot. But I'm betting even more of them want to slap me after meeting me for 5 minutes.

and lastly

* Dear Chicago Cubs,
Please, just come out of spring training and lose, I don' know, 40 games. Then you won't set me up for a total heartbreak. I mean, come on, I have enough to be excited, worried, and consumed with without you continuing that awesome 101 year World Series drought. I'll still be a fan - a real fan loves you even when you suck, and hey, Cubs fans are experts at that.
Love, Me


Popular posts from this blog


The HP's 2012 Concession Speech - and Message of Things To Come

NO, I am not dead